COUNSELING & GUIDANCE - CONVERSATIONS WITH DEATH: CONTEMPLATING AND CONFRONTING DEATH

/ Ng Yi He :  Grief Care & Ritual and Culture Management Intern

Death is an inevitable path for all of us. However, the fact is we are not as afraid of it as we think. We can still go through our daily life, thinking about what to eat for dinner and why the roads are jammed up. Thus, death seems distant to us, yet not as distant as a meal or the road in front of us. We are so accustomed to living our lives to the fullest, but how long has it been since we sat down to contemplate and confront death and talk about it?

Is it necessary to cry in the face of death?

I have experienced the deaths of several loved ones in my life, all during my primary school years. My grandmother passed away when I was in standard six, less than a month before UPSR and my brother was just a month old. Due to this, I was compelled to stay back in Melaka and did not have to return to my grandmother’s home for the wake. Maybe I did not comprehend the meaning of life and death at that time, and my only regret at not being able to return to my grandmother’s home was having to go to school and attend boring classes. Attending the wake would have been a good opportunity to skip school; at least I didn’t have to continue studying.

When I think back to my grandmother’s funeral, I realise the grief of life’s passing depends on the closeness of the relationship before death. My grandmother had always been with my eldest uncle’s family, so naturally she had more interaction with my cousins. I don’t speak much Hokkien, so my communication with her was even more limited. I didn’t cry during the funeral, not even during the cremation ceremony; but at that time there was a weird understanding that those who didn’t cry were considered unfilial. Hence, I hid in a corner because I was afraid of being discovered that I did not cry.

Faced with the passing of relatives and friends, can we only express the importance of the relationship through tears? Since there are many ways to get along during their lifetime, there should be different ways to express our sentiments after their passing; instead of forcing people to cry aloud to show filial piety, which is an exaggeration.

Contemplating your own funeral

Have you ever taken a moment to quietly and mindfully contemplate your own death and your own funeral? Whenever I sit down to contemplate my own demise, I wonder in which manner will I leave the world. When I think about it, it is indeed most blessed to be able to “live to a ripe old age”; to die peacefully in my sleep, and without suffering from illness is the most agreeable way for me.

At my funeral, I don’t want my family and close friends to cry. I want them to sit around laugh about the embarrassing things we did in life and that’s what really gets me going. If I could, I would want the music played at the funeral service to be songs that I usually like instead of something unfamiliar, melodramatic and sentimental. We can take our time to imagine the flow of the funeral rites to the details of the music played, and carefully plan the complete ceremony that we would like best in our hearts.

I think contemplating one’s death is a very interesting experience; anyone can try to imagine and through it you will find out what you really want and not want.

Death is a form of regret

If I were to die at this moment, would I be able to accept it in peace? This is the second question that arises when I contemplate about death. Many people’s fear of death arise from the regrets of an unfulfilled life and unsettled relationships. That is why I have always wondered why today’s enlightened society would advocate that we face death calmly, which is something I do not agree. I think death is a form of regret, both for the living and for the dead. At every stage of life, everyone has regrets and relationships. Due to these circumstances, it is not unusual for people to be somewhat sad about death; and it is difficult to hide grief and it’s understandable to express it hysterically if you are unable to hide your grief.

Facing death, there isn’t a standard approach to what is right because it varies from person to person, and any way can be used to express our feelings. Contemplating and confronting death is something we need to practice all the time throughout our lives. It is a rare opportunity to really know ourselves. In one or five years. or even tend years, we will have different goals and ideals, and we want may be different and what we once regretted may have been fulfilled.

When contemplating and confronting death, we may look at the end of life and cherish the radiance of life, the joy in every moment and the love around us.

We can respect death but we shouldn’t fear it; instead, choose to understand it more because it is the final graduation ceremony of our life.

NV Care Grief Care & Ritual and Culture Management Department

NV Care Grief Care & Ritual and Culture Management Department: conducts studies into the influence and development of Chinese culture on Malaysia society, focusing on the origins of social funeral culture, borrowing and adapting from ancient cultures; thus nurturing the evolution, cultivation in-depth penetration and expansion of Nirvana’s bereavement care services.

Author Profile:

Ng Yi He is an intern at NV Care’s Grief Care & Ritual and Culture Management Department and is studying at the Department of Chinese Language & Literature of New Era University College. He is passionate about planning extracurricular activities and enjoys exploring interesting topics in his spare time and is full of imaginative ideas.